What is Codependency?
Codependency is a term that describes a problematic helping relationship, where one person supports another in an unhealthy way. The “codependent” person tends to enable the other person’s problems, which may include addiction, borderline personality features, or mental illness.
A person who is codependent relies very strongly on other people for approval and a sense of identity, at the expense of their own well-being. If the other person is upset or disappointed in them, the codependent person will tend to feel unbearably distressed or uncomfortable, motivating them to “fix” the situation – to please the other person, even at their own expense.
Where Does the Term Codependent Come From?
The term codependent came out of a grassroots movement in the area of 12 Step Programs, like Alcoholics Anonymous. It is not a formal term or disorder from within the field of psychology, and you will not find it in the DSM-5 (the diagnostic manual for diagnosing mental disorders). The term began to be used around the 1950’s, when the families and friends of alcoholics developed their own support groups to address the relational dynamics of alcoholism. Al-Anon holds the view that alcoholism is a family illness – an illness of relationships. In the 1980’s, a series of books was published that expanded our society’s use of the word codependent. A famous book from the 1980’s is Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More.
What Does Codependency Look Like?
Helping, caring about others, and appreciating others’ approval are positive relational traits that serve to create healthy friendships, marriages, and work relationships. When we take care of a sick friend for a day, it can bring a sense of warmth, trust, and caring to both people in the relationship.
However, when caring and helping behaviours become compulsive and are no longer a conscious choice, and when helping others is carried out to an unhealthy degree, this could be referred to as codependency.
Any positive quality carried to an extreme can become problematic. Being responsible can lead others to trust and depend on us in a healthy way. However, we might think of codependency as a tendency to be over-responsible.
It is important to remember that our responsibility for others needs to coexist with responsibility to ourselves.
Am I Codependent?
We can ask ourselves:
- Do I always find myself in relationships where my primary role is that of a rescuer and caregiver?
- Am I a “people-pleaser” – Do I often place other people’s needs ahead of my own, or put their needs in place of my own needs?
- Do I have trouble speaking up for myself, or even knowing what I’m feeling or thinking?
- Do I have difficulty being content when alone, or taking care of myself?
- Do my key relationships repeatedly leave me with a feeling of despair, hopelessness, resentment, or anxiety?
- Do I tend to neglect my own self-care, preferring to take care of others in order to receive their acceptance and affection?
- Am I a perfectionist, wanting everything I do to be perfect, or done “just right”?
- Have other people described me as being “over-controlling”?
- Do I tend to be “clingy” in relationships – having difficulty being separate from my partner?
- Do I see most other people as “crazy” or “irresponsible”, while I’m “the only sane or responsible person”?
- Am I keenly aware of changes in my partner’s mood, while being unsure about my own thoughts or feelings?
If you answered “yes” to these questions and feel you might benefit from therapy, contact us. We can give you the tools to cope.